Here at nkd we are well known for our expertise in pubic horticulture. Having tidied up the nether regions of tens of thousands men and women in Nottingham and Leicester since we opened in 2009, we consider ourselves well qualified to comment on the best ways to make this area look its best. In line with our mission to carry out everything we do with a sense of humour, we are therefore pleased to be able to take a tongue in cheek look at some alternative ways you could add some sparkle to your “other” tree this Christmas if you know what we mean…
How to Bring a Festive Feel to your Personal Shubbery this Christmas (without the need for electric lights)
If you’ve got 4 hours to spare and don’t mind walking round for the next 5 days feeling like you’ve got a ton of gravel in your pants, then nkd’s bespoke “Winter Wonderland’ Christmas Vajazzle option could be for you.
Always wary of causing offence, we chose the rather tame tagline of “Merry Christmas from nkd” to accompany our creation. But just like the makers of those delicious cookies, we can write whatever you want us to. Personalised taglines you may wish to consider appearing across your private parts this Christmas could be:
- I plucked, you baste
- Rudolph’s feed bag
- Riding home for Christmas
- Please wrap your present first
Costing a mere £250, which includes both parts (our parts, not yours – i.e. jewels and glue) and labour, plus the cost of your usual Brazilian or Hollywood wax, we expect this offering to fly off the shelves as our Nottingham customers clamour to trade up their trim.
For those with a touch more class, we also offer the following more refined Christmas tree decorations. As you’ll see, we’ve got something for everyone at nkd, depending on what exactly this time of year means to you.
Ding Dong Merrily Down Below
Star of Wonder
A step down from the full on “Winter Wonderland” scene and thus considerably less onerous in terms of parts and labour, we’re thrilled to be able to offer the above three Christmas vajazzle options for a mere £75 each (plus the cost of your usual wax – of course). We can reassure you that these lower-grade works of art will cause no more than mild abrasion and discomfort and that prolonged or excessive scratching will result in no more than minimal permanent scarring.
In terms of when is the best time to adorn your Christmas tree with the more ornate style of decoration that is displayed above, we’d suggest that you adhere to the following simple guidelines:
- Pick a month when chances of any fumblings in the dark/dry humping/full-blown sexual activity are remote to zero
- Choose a time of the year also when you will not be wearing anything even slightly figure hugging or remotely close-fitting for the foreseeable future. In fact, baggy underpants and no trousers are best until mid February to give time for any lacerations to heal (the good news here being that you should be all ready and raring to go by Valentines Day).
Finally, if for whatever reason, none of the above Christmas Vajazzle options appeal to you, there is also the bog standard “not at all bespoke to you” type of Christmas vajazzle, which costs just £10.00 as standard (or half of that when on special offer), in addition to the price of your normal wax etc etc.
However, due to the fact that these vajazzles take a matter of minutes to apply and have no risk whatsoever of causing any irritation or short/long-term damage to your Christmas log, then we expect marginal take-up of them.
This cheap & cheerful solution is so boring that we haven’t even bothered to get any imagery of it. However, the following designs are available in store now: snowflakes/Christmas trees/Christmas bells/holly wreathes/holly sprigs (this list is just a guide and is not exhaustive– other pubic style decorations may also available).
So there you have it, nkd Leicester and Nottingham’s top tips for how to best spruce up your Norwegian Fir this Christmas!
About nkd ( )
Providing high-quality waxing treatments to men and women in a professional and clean environment, our specialist skills mean that nkd waxes are quicker and cause less discomfort than waxes from generalist beauty salons, which do not typically employ experts. Our friendly team is so knowledgeable that their detailed aftercare advice will ensure you get the best results for weeks after your treatment.
nkd also offers the latest lash and brow treatments from its in-house lash & brow bar with the same level of specialist skill and advice.
nkd – giving our clients the confidence that comes from looking and feeling their very best.