This blog post was first published in December 2018
Here at nkd we’re well known for our expertise in pubic horticulture. Having tidied up the nether regions of tens of thousands of men & women in Nottingham and Leicester since we opened our first salon in 2009, we consider ourselves well qualified to comment on the best ways to make this area look its best. In line with our mission to carry out everything we do with a sense of humour, we are therefore pleased to be able to take a tongue-in-cheek look at some alternative ways you could add some sparkle to your “other” tree this Christmas if you know what we mean…
How to Bring a Festive Feel to your Personal Shrubbery this Christmas (without the need for electric lights)
If you’ve got 4 hours to spare and don’t mind walking round for the next 5 days feeling like you’ve got a ton of gravel in your pants, then nkd’s bespoke “Winter Wonderland’ Christmas Vajazzle option could be for you. Always wary of causing offence, we chose the rather tame tagline of “Merry Christmas from nkd” to accompany our creation. But just like the makers of those delicious cookies, we can write whatever you want us to. Personalised taglines you may wish to consider appearing across your private parts this Christmas could be:
Costing a mere £250, which includes both parts (our parts, not yours – i.e. jewels and glue) and labour, plus the cost of your usual Brazilian or Hollywood wax, we expect this offering to fly off the shelves as our loyal Leicester waxing salon customers clamour to trade up their trim.
For those with a touch more class, we also offer the following more refined Christmas decorations. As you’ll see, we’ve got something for everyone at nkd, depending on what exactly this time of year means to you.
A step down from the full on “Winter Wonderland” scene and thus considerably less onerous in terms of parts and labour, we’re thrilled to be able to offer the above three Christmas vajazzle options for a mere £75 each (plus the cost of your usual wax – of course). We can reassure you that these lower-grade works of art will cause no more than mild abrasion and discomfort and that prolonged or excessive scratching will result in no more than minimal permanent scarring.
In terms of when is the best time to adorn your Christmas tree with the more ornate style of decoration that is displayed above, we’d suggest that you adhere to the following simple guidelines:
1. Pick a month when chances of any fumblings in the dark/dry humping/full-blown sexual activity are remote to zero.
2. Choose a time of the year also when you will not be wearing anything even slightly figure hugging or remotely close-fitting for the foreseeable future. In fact, baggy underpants and no trousers are best until mid February to give time for any lacerations to heal (the good news here being that you should be all ready and raring to go by Valentines Day).
Finally, if for whatever reason, none of the above Christmas Vajazzle options appeal to you, there is also the bog standard “not at all bespoke to you” type of Christmas vajazzle, which costs just £10.00 as standard, in addition to the price of your normal wax etc etc.
However, due to the fact that these vajazzles take a matter of minutes to apply and have no risk whatsoever of causing any irritation or short/long-term damage to your Christmas log, then we expect marginal take-up of them.
This cheap & cheerful solution is so boring that we haven’t even bothered to get any imagery of it. However, the following designs are available in store now: snowflakes/Christmas trees/ Christmas bells/holly wreathes/holly sprigs (this list is just a guide and is not exhaustive– other pubic style decorations may also be available).
So there you have it, nkd waxing Leicester’s top tips for how to spruce up your Norwegian Fir this Christmas!
Book your Christmas appointment now at nkd by calling 0116 430 0337 or book online here.
